"It's gonna be worth it all"

I'm surrounded by hundreds of people everyday, but I feel alone.
Alone - [uh-lohn] adjective-separate, apart, or isolated from others.

That is my life. I feel like I have no one left. As the months and years pass by, people disappear from my life. Last summer was my second summer working at Blue Mountain Christian Retreat. I spent much more time at the mountain this year than I did the first summer I worked there. This summer was more rough for me because, since I spent more time there, my co-workers got to know me better, and I guess they didn't like what they saw. We had a meeting and there were words exchanged, and all in all, it ended in tears and un-resolution. At that moment, I felt like I had lost a few really good friends, right there in that moment. And I had. I wish I could go back and change my actions and words, but I have to deal with the consequences. 


As most of you know, I'll be graduating from Kutztown in May. Since I was a freshman in college, 3 and a half years ago, I had this awesome crazy girl get put into my room with me. When she first moved in, I really didn't like her. Eventually, we had to put up with each other, and sharing a tiny room 97% of the time, we started to have some pretty deep conversations about life, love, and God. I brought up the idea to her about going to Guatemala with my church on a missions trip. She told me she would love to do that. That's when we started to connect. We were together all the time, and there was rarely a time that you would find us apart. Stacie and I have lived together every year since then. 
Last semester, was one of the biggest changes for me in my life. Stacie stopped attending Kutztown. Over Christmas break, I helped her move her stuff out of her bedroom. 
Not only with her leaving, last semester I had so many good friends graduate. 
I know that we all need to experience change in our lives, but I never knew it would be this hard. I am all alone at Kutztown. As much as people are going to tell me I'm not alone, and that they're my friend, words are useless unless actions back them up. I have NO close friends at Kutztown anymore. People I know, and acquaintances. 
I feel like my family is falling apart. Everyone's growing up, going through their teenage stages, or their mid-life crises. What am I supposed to do?


yes of course I have people who care a whole lot for me, but that doesn't mean they can physically be there for me when I need someone to hug or cry to. Actually, I rarely have anyone who could be there for me in a moments notice, if I needed that type of affection. 

Recently my good friend Hannah, that I worked with at Blue Mt., had left a video on my wall. Feeling this emotion of emptiness and loneliness, I watched her video, and somehow she had all the right words to say. She told me that people are going to let me down, and situations are going to be hard, but to not let my heart become hard, and let God keep it tender. Sometimes this is difficult for me, because I am such a people person, and feeling alone is one of my worst fears, and here I am right now, experiencing it. 
I know I am here to change the world. And the words that keep sticking out to me are, "Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world."


I also want to give a special shout out to the certain people in my life who DO make me feel special, care about me, visit me, ask me how I am, and who love me for who I am. I love you all <3 


I've gotta stick this out. Times are changing, but God has everything planned out, and his plans are not to harm me, but for a bright and prosperous future. "It's gonna be worth it all"