I know you don't like it when I cry

There's been no pain greater than missing my mom. 

All I can think about is how I am never going to see her smile again. I will never hear her laugh, or feel her hug. I wont ever see her do her silly impersonations of chubby, and I'll never eat her delicious cooking. My mom will never meet my children. She won't be at my wedding. I won't ever hold her hand again. The last time I did that, she was dying. I held my moms hand as she took her last breath. That's an image that will never leave my brain. The sounds that I will never forget as she gasped for air. I don't think I've processed it all yet. I don't know how. I need my mom to teach me so many more things. I have so many more stories to tell her.

Every song sad I hear, I see my mom. I see her smile, but it's not a feeling of joy. It's a feeling of sadness. I've never felt anything like this before, and I feel so alone. I know my friends don't understand. They don't know how to be there for me. Life just continues on for everyone, but I still feel frozen in time. When I think about mom, it doesn't feel real. I feel like I can just pick up the phone and call her, cry to her, laugh with her, and share with her. But when I think about how that will never happen again, I break down. No one understands it. No one gets it.

My mom wasn't always the best mom. But she was my mom. and now she's gone. and no one can ever take that place, and no one can understand the exact way that I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Lost. Confused. Forgotten. Alone. No mom. No dad. People were there for me when it first happened, but here I am 5 months later and the pain is the worst it's been, but people have moved on. Some days- I don't know how I function, and how I get through. These words might not make sense, I'm gonna sound repetitive, and this might be scrambled, but this is all coming out, as I am sobbing, can't see the keyboard, my nose is running, and my thoughts are all over the place.

I try not to cry... Everyone says it's okay... I know you don't like it when I cry....You never wanted me to be sad...I try, but it hurts.

How can this be real life? It can't be real. It just can't be. She was my mom. My one and only mom. This can't be real.