A Letter To My Mom

Dear Mom,

              I am scared. Scared to death of the future and what's going to happen. Growing up I saw things I should of never seen. When I was 8 years old, I was picking up beer cans after your parties with Doug. When I was 9, I was put into foster care because I had an abusive step-father, who,  I witnessed him putting you in a headlock. I would visit you a few times a month in the Reading courthouse and we would play games like jenga, battleship, and othello (yes I remember these games). I looked forward to seeing you when I could, and I certainly couldn't wait to come home for good. I finally did come home to you after a long wait in foster care. 8^th grade was the first time I experienced you going to jail. It was my first Christmas without you and it was terrible. For years after that you were in and out of jail. I remember going to Lebanon County Prison and seeing you through the inch thick glass and having to talk to you on the dirty telephone. Not being able to touch you, or hug you. When you were not in prison, I dealt with many things as well. One night when I was in high school I woke up to banging on the wall. I open up the bathroom door only to see you being held up against the wall as your boyfriend was choking you. That day I missed school and went to the hospital with you. You had two black eyes and bruises all over. That's how bad he beat you. Do you remember that? I do, like it was yesterday. Most nights I would be awoken by you trampling up the stairs, at 3 am, drunk. I would try my hardest to fall back asleep but all I could hear would be you, stumbling around and fighting with your boyfriend. I've seen you lose friends, family, and people you care about deeply. I've seen you mourn and I've seen your tears. I know you drink to release the pain. To forget about life and the problems you have to deal with. I know you might think no one would care if you died, but I would. And I hope that matters for something.

           Hypothetical- It's my wedding day. It's a joyous day, but then I look over to see the white chair with the rose sitting on it. That was supposed to be your seat. But you didn't make it to that day.... I'm finally having children of my own. They are old enough now, and begin asking questions about their family. They ask about their grandma Kimmy, and I have to explain to my children that my mom passed away before they were born....

          I am terrified that this is what's happening. You are giving your life away to the alcohol that you consume and you are losing your friends and family over it. I love you more than anything in this world, mommy. My heart breaks for you. I want you to know that I am who I am, because of you. When I was 16, I looked at you and thought, “I never want to make those choices.” So I did everything the opposite of you. Growing up I've been broken, torn down, and lost in a puddle of tears from your choices. I made a decision that I never wanted my children to experience the things I had to, or feel the way I did. I stuck close to my church family, surrounded myself with people who cared about me, trusted in God, went to college, graduated with a degree, and got a job serving others.

               I know you think you can just live your life with no consequences, but that's not true. I love you enough to want to put a stop to your addictive nature. I am losing my mom. Day by day, you become further and further away from me. The drinking, going to jail, not having a job or a house....are going to catch up to you mom, and I am scared. You need to get help. I want to help you. Your whole family wants to help you. But we cannot force you to do anything. It's come to the point where I am standing up for myself and my future family, and saying that unless you get help, there are going to be consequences. These choices you're making could potentially be the death of you, physically, and emotionally.

              

               I want you to know that the pain you’re feeling doesn’t have to be… You know, I’ve experienced a lot too in my life, but I chose to do something with my pain, other than try to drown my feelings. See, I’ve found this hope and love in Jesus, and I know that he is the one who created me for a purpose. He created you for a purpose too. He loves you and he cries when you cry. He hurts when you hurt. He wants to see you thrive. He wants to see you happy again. He died on the cross to take our burden. We can turn to him at any moment. We don’t have to sit here and “wait” to “get right”, no. He is sitting there, waiting, knocking, wanting you to love him fully and give yourself, your issues, your past, and your future over to him. Nothing you’ve done can make him love you any less. He will take your sin and forget it. It says in Psalms “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” When you’re hurting, when you feel empty, lonely, or are searching for something more, He’s right there waiting with open arms. The only reason I am where I am, is because of Jesus and his love, grace and mercy. I’ve messed up, I’ve been depressed, but when I was suffering, I told myself, “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay..” and I put my trust in him. ALL THINGS work together for the good of those who love him, Romans 8:28. The agony you’ve experienced in life, all has a purpose. But you’ve gotta let God work the miracles that he does. He will take your dirt and turn it into something beautiful. Just like he did in my life. People are always surprised that I’ve turned out the way I have after all I’ve been through, but the only reason for me being the way I am, is because of Him. He turned my sorrow into joy. My pain into love. My bitterness into forgiveness. And He can and will do the same for you, if you let him. You are not worthless. God does not make worthless things. You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed or unworthy. You were created to be victorious.

            

           We've shared so many memories, and so many laughs. I remember the times when you were sober, and how nice it felt to have my mom. I want more times like that. I want to enjoy my mom’s company and laugh with her again. I want to beat you at more Easter egg hunts, and set the fire alarm off. I want to help you cook at holidays and play guesstures. I want you to be at my wedding and see you cry when I'm walking down the aisle. I want you to meet your grandchildren and be a part of their lives....I want you to be a part of my life. But the decision now is up to you. Stop living in denial, and start living your life, for yourself, for your family... for Jesus.

I love you mommy, lots and lots and lots... and very very much. 

Love ALWAYS and FOREVER, your baby girl, 

Amanda Leah.