You can only help someone who is willing to help themselves. So often do I think that since I love Jesus and I act noticeably different from other people, when people meet me, they will want what I have, the joy that makes me, me. But that's never the case. I've grown up being told that people will want what I have because I am SO different from everyone else, it hasn't happened once. For some reason I feel like I can change someone, or turn them from their bad habits and old ways, to be a better person, but I'm just dreaming. I can not change a person. This has happened with many guys that I've talked to or dated. I have this image of what I want them to be.. or more like, an image of all their potential and what they could be. I always want someone to be the best person they can be. I guess it's a faulty trait of mine. Not being able to fully accept someone as they are.
But when the person is someone you love, it's almost impossible to deal with, and penetrates you to the core.
I'm about to be raw, deep, and open. When you read this, don't feel pitty on me, or feel bad for me. That's not my intentions. I want to shed light on a concealed subject in my life and ask for prayer.
I've sat back and watched my mom struggle with alcoholism for at least 20 years now. We've been through a lot. I've seen her drunk out of her mind, doing things she never would have done sober. I've seen her in a choke hold when I was 9. I've seen her in and out of jail for years. I had to talk to her through the greasy prison phones, and sit on the cold metal chairs, while looking at my dear mother through the inch thick glass which separated us. Not only have I been in foster care due to my mothers drinking, but I've had to live with friends and their families for months/years at a time. I've seen my mom covered in blood and black and blues because of her heroin addict boyfriend beating her. I've had to miss school to stay in the hospital with her. I've seen the bad. I've seen pretty much all of it.
My mom recently sobered up and started going to AA meetings. It was a prayer that I thought would never be answered. She was finally part of our family, and wasn't a selfish person dependent on her alcohol anymore. We were all so proud of her, and glad to have her back.
I just recently found out that my mom has fallen back into the death trap of alcohol. It just seems to be something too important or addicting for her to let go.
I love my mommy and she is always there to heal my broken heart or hold me when something goes wrong. But I am so afraid for her. Alcohol is a number one killer in the United States, and as my mom gets older, her liver is going to start rejecting the alcohol and shutting down. I don't want to lose my mom and that's something that I'm afraid of. I am not the most proud of her for everything that she's put me through, but I love her regardless. I want the best for her. And I know that alcohol is pulling her down. I know that I know that if she has the desire to stop drinking she is able to. She just needs a strong positive support system 24/7.
My momma has so much potential, so much life ahead of her and I don't want to see it cut short. I pray that if I keep loving her and being an example, someday her eyes will open to the truth.
I guess that's what I think of a lot of people.
I know that when I look at people, I see so much more life, ability, potential, and a brighter future for them, but I also need to learn to love them as they are, and know that they are not going to change for me. They make their own choices and learn through their own consequences, just as I learn through my own consequences. Set your eyes upon the positive. Upon the lovely, and beautiful. I am here not to judge, but to love. to be an example, and to lead the way through faith, hope and love through Jesus.
Not domineering over those in your charge, but being examples to the flock. 1 Peter 5:3
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