A new beginning college essay 2009

 I sit there waiting, hands folded in my lap. I’m ready to see the woman I’ve spent my whole life with. As soon as I see her a smile spreads across my face. My heart flutters and memories are reunited and brought back. Laughing playing games and joy is something shared between the two of us. Before I know it, I look at the clock and those thirty minutes have flown by without even realizing it. She leaves and I am back with Shawnie. I get in the car devastated to leave my mother once again for another week without seeing her.

         I still remember the day vividly. About age 8, I’m sitting in my room playing Barbies, until I need to go into the kitchen for some soda. I walk with heavy footsteps as I come out to the living room to see my mother standing there, with my step-dad hands around her neck. Fear surrounded me and I had no proposal of what to do. The feeling of someone hurting my mom was more than I could handle. I felt as if the whole world stopped for this moment. I screamed at the top of my lungs for him to let her go. No action was taken by my stepfather. He still stood there looking at me like I had no say in anything that was being done at the moment. The rest was just a blur to me. I remember the neighbors running over to our house and then seeing the red and blue lights flashing in the windows. I’ve never had a close experience with the police like this before. I’ve known them to be discourteous and rude people who just want to get other people in trouble. The police were inspecting the area, as I just stood there not knowing what to think, and not sure what had just happened. I had no hint as to what was going to happen after that. My mother had asked if I could be put with my babysitter rather than in a traditional foster home. The police used our telephone to call my babysitter as I overhear them saying I will have to reside with her and her family for a little while. What was I hearing? Was it my future in one sentence?

In the next couple of weeks is when my life changed forever. I was put into foster care with my babysitter. I was completely resentful towards the thought. I was a menace towards the family. They would drag me to church and I hated it. I would lie about everything, I would eat like a pig, and not listen. They were trying so hard to make my life better and all I did was push them away. This placement was supposed to be temporary but ended up not being temporary.

I had found out that Children Services had considered my mother an alcoholic which is something I had never realized being at such an adolescent age, I was just used to it. I recall all the parties my mom had held at our house, and all the mornings I would wake up and have to take a black trash bag, walk around the yard and pick up all the beer cans. I had felt like it was something I was supposed to do. Like it was normal for me to be the mother and take care of my parent when she was sick or when something needed to be cleaned. Also cooking microwave meals for myself, and getting myself ready for school. I was forced to grow up faster than a normal child should, and be an adult when I should’ve been having crushes on boys and hanging out with kids my age.

I remember living life with my foster family and eventually adjusting because I had to, and I realized I was not getting out of that situation anytime soon. I grew close to the family. I finally had a mother, a father, a brother, and a sister. A normal family is something I have always dreamed of. Having siblings to play with all the time and be able to smile, and having parents to take care of me, instead of the other way around. I became accustomed to going to church. I made friends there and became very involved with church activities. Being surrounded by people that cared for me is something that I loved. Even though I was happy, I would pray and write in my diary every night that God would allow me to live with my mother. The visitations with my mom continued as I also grew closer and closer to the family I was living with. My life had changed living with this family. I was able to be a child and I had adults who were concerned for me. Foster care is something that people probably look down upon, but in my case, I believe it saved my life. If it were not for my foster family showing me the right direction in life I might as well be dead.

         Finally, after about three years my mom had sobered up, and I was “allowed” to live with her once again. It was a hard transition moving from a thoughtful loving family that I have lived with for quite a while to my old family who also loved me and missed me so much. Moving back into my room and being reunited with all of my old toys was such a great sensation. Eventually, things went downhill with my mother since then, but her wrong decisions throughout my have made me a stronger person realizing that I do not want to turn out like her. If she were not an alcoholic I never would’ve been put into foster care with my babysitter, and therefore shown the right way to live life. If it were not for the bad influences in my life and also the positive people in my life I would not be who I am today. I would most likely be doing wrong things, partying, doing drugs, and other beyond description things.

Family Autobiography College Essay 2010

I am a daughter. I am a younger sister. I am an aunt. I am a granddaughter. I am a great-granddaughter. I was a foster child. I was young. I was naive. I am growing up. I am learning. I am what I am. My story is made by the people around me and who I was placed with. For a certain amount of time in your life your story is written by other people, and you don't have any say. You are more of a spectator while other people are telling you what to do, and have people who 'hold your hand while you learn to write. My life began when I was in the womb of my mother who was unmarried and unstable. My family, as is everyone’s, is very interesting. I had an older sister who was a year and a month older than I. And who was also born to a different father. My mother was twenty-one years old when I was born. My father was in and out of the picture and was 22 years old. My family consists of my dad’s dad who is "pop-pop" to me and who is currently 67, my mom’s mom who is my "mom-mom" who is currently 60, and my aunt Mel who is currently 36 years old. While my mom was pregnant with me, she had lived with my dad’s friend because she had nowhere to go. I was born into an already dysfunctional family, with my mother not being married, and my sister living with my "step-grandmother" (Memmy) and Pappy who is my mom’s dad but had gotten divorced from my mom-mom a while back. After I was born, my mother and I lived with my pop-pop for two years. These are the years of my life that I don't remember, but I do know from family videos and whatnot, that my dad was in my life at the age of two because he was at a birthday party of mine. I know at some point while I was younger my dad beat my mom so bad that he broke her nose and went to jail. We had then moved in with my mom-mom until I left 2nd grade. My mom couldn't take living there with mom-mom because who wants to live with rules and with their parents their whole life? My mother had then fallen in love with someone named Doug. My mom and he were pretty happy together. Doug had eventually turned into my step-father when my mom and he got married in 1998. I remember the wedding pretty well. I was in the wedding, and I was the flower girl, and my sister was the ring bearer and she was mad because I got the better job. My mom and he had a terrible relationship, but from what I can remember, I had a pretty great life. I had an in-ground pool, animals of all sorts, and I am pretty sure I thoroughly enjoyed my life. Now that I think back to it, I would remember sitting at the kitchen table doing my homework and have him walk past and pull my hair and call me stupid. When I would be walking out of the house down the steps, he would come out behind me and kick me so hard in the butt I would feel dizzy. Also when they would argue I would end up sleeping in my closet because I was afraid. At that age, I thought all of those things were normal, but now that I am older, I know that they are not. I had not suspected anything about my mom and Doug’s relationship until one day I walked into the living room and had his hands around my mother’s neck. I was terrified and screamed at the top of my lungs for him to let her go. My neighbors had heard my ear-piercing cry, had called the police, and the next thing I knew my life was going to change forever and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Seeing the red and blue lights flashing through my window is something I will never forget. Watching the police walk around my house and asking me questions is a vivid memory that to me, is hard to remember. Realizing the fact that my step-father, who I thought loved my mother and me, was abusive physically and mentally was heartbreaking. While they were questioning my mother and Doug, they had to do something with me, for the time being. My mom suggested me going to stay with my babysitter for a few days, so I did. My foster mom's name was Shawnie, and her husband’s name is Nick. They had two children a few years younger than me, Trey, the oldest who is now 14, and Charis who was about 3 or 4 years old. It was okay staying with them. Then I heard some news. I was told that my mom was an alcoholic and that she had to get better and get her own place before I could live with her again. That news was really hard for me to handle. Here I was, a helpless 9 years old lost in such a big world without my mom. I was only supposed to be living with my foster family for a few weeks or a month, but it ended up being over a year. It was really hard for me to change my patterns of life to live with another family. I had a lot of new rules to pertain to and my new foster family went to church, and I had to start going with them. Little did I know the relationships I made in the church would be my lifelong best friends. Growing close to this family changed my life forever. I got to see my mom on weekly visits in a small little room and children and youth services in Reading. As these visits went along they would tell me that my mom passed her alcohol tests. Every night at home, I would pray that my mom would get better and that I would be able to live with her again. One visit my mom told me she had found a new guy and that he was very kind, and different than Doug. Finally, after living with my foster parents for a few years, I was told I could move back with my mom. My prayers have finally been answered. In 2001, at the age of 11, I moved into a house with my mom and her boyfriend Aaron. Things were different. I didn't see as much drinking as before when I went into foster care, but I still saw a lot. She must've someway snuck herself around the pee tests so that it looked like she hadn't drank. Things were good when I lived with Doug. I was growing up, going through puberty, and learning a lot about life. In 2005 when I was 14 we moved out of our house because the rent became too high. I had to change schools and leave all of my friends behind. At this time I stopped going to church, so I didn't have any friends. The next couple of years are a real blur to me but I will try to evaluate them the best I can.

At some point soon, my mom and her boyfriend Aaron started drinking a lot. I would be home alone all the time, and they would come home at two o'clock in the morning completely wasted. And now being in middle school I knew a little bit more about drinking and how it wasn't good for you. I would get so upset at my mom and tell her and beg her not to go out and drink anymore. Soon enough, my mom went to jail for the first time. That was so hard for me. Everything I knew about life was crumbling. The person I looked up to the most let me down. It was right around the holidays and I've never had to deal with this before. I've never lost a loved one to death- or jail. I would write to my mom and she would call me sometimes on the phone, and tell me how she was. That was one of the first Christmases I didn't spend with her. It was just Aaron and I. Then after a couple of weeks Aaron would leave the house and not come home for a couple of days, and I would be alone. I didn't know what to do. I then moved into my friend’s house with her and her family, so I could have someone who took care of me. I would write in my journal every night how hard it was to be without my mom. I specifically remember writing I rather have her here to argue with, than not have her here at all. In about 3 months my mom got out of jail and she, Aaron, and I moved to a townhouse in 2005. I started going to my old church again, and I was still at the same school and everything, but moving was never easy for me. Life was all right. I was getting passable grades, but my mom still came home at late hours of the night and drank until she would pass out in our living room. Once again, I remember my mom going to jail and having to live with Aaron, but he wasn't home much. So I moved in with my friend Christina and her family. I was welcomed once again into another family’s home. As some time went on I would stop by my old house where Aaron was still living to check on my animals, and here he was dating someone else while living in my mom’s house! But things with my mom never got easier. Having to go and visit her in the nasty place called prison. Walking into the dreadful place where I didn't even want to touch the handles to get into the place. The seats were old and worn. I had to go over to the security guard and sign in. Sit in the rounded chairs with the filthy walls and wait to hear my name called. I wait for door number five, to hear the click and it unlocks. I walk into a tiny room and wait for the next door to UN click. I then walk to the visitation room where I see her through the dirty layered glass, and the cold metal chairs to sit on, I would sit there and talk with my mom about life through the greasy telephones. That was the hardest thing for me. Leaving my mom in that place every time I would walk away was rough. My mom by then had left Aaron and was dating Justin. Justin was a crack head and would get high in our basement and bring his grungy friends around and they would hit on me, and I would feel so uncomfortable. One school night I was sleeping in my bed, and around 4 a.m. I hear banging on my wall and so I go to the bathroom and I open the door, and my mom was covered in blood and bruises. Justin had his hand over my mom’s mouth so she couldn't make any noise, but she managed to say call the cops. Justin got scared and ran. He took a crowbar to our power box, so we couldn't use our home phone to call. He then took off in his truck. My mom was sitting on her bed with two black eyes and blood everywhere. She told me the story of what happened, and she told me she thought she was going to die. My mom's boyfriend almost beat her to death. That was the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life, and one of the biggest grudges I hold, and ever will hold. The police came and took my mom and me to the hospital since I didn't want her going alone. I missed school that day to take care of my mom and sit at the hospital with her. With my mom in and out of jail, I remember at one point my mom got out of jail and I started moving my things from Christina’s house to my mom’s house, and EXACTLY one week later she was back in jail, and I had to move my things back in with Christina. My senior year I moved in with another family, and that was enjoyable. Then in the middle of my senior year, they were moving and wouldn't be able to fit me in their house so I moved back in with Christina. My mom got out of jail before I came to college, but I knew that she wasn't capable of taking care of me, because she was barely capable of taking care of herself. So I stayed living with Christina. Eventually, things with my mom started getting better. She wasn't going to jail and missing the holidays anymore. She was still drinking, but she was making an effort to be a part of our family once again after all of her mistakes. Our whole family is still living life and trying to deal with things. My mom is still with Justin and he is clean of coke. I still don't know my father and I would die to know him and meet him again.

If I could pick one person who contributed to my family, I have got to say that it was my mom especially since she was the only family member there for me. She made the money; she took care of me, etc. But the whole going to church thing was my decision, and sometimes my mom-mom would take me to her church, but I was a very independent child and grew up way too fast for my good. And the only bad thing I see about my mom taking all the tasks upon herself is that she turned into an alcoholic and I never saw her after school because she worked third shift, and then would go out to the bars afterward.

Since I never knew my dad really, my mom once again had the power in our family. But if I had to say something about her relationships, I would say that she allowed herself to be walked all over, because she didn't know any better, and didn't want to be left by the guys in her life.

I think previous generations have had a huge impact on how I grew up. Whenever I would bring things up to my mom, she would always relate things to her and "in my day". Things like getting a cell phone, or getting my nails done, or when I told her she was never there for me, she would say her mom was never there for her or helped her with anything, so she expected me to do the same. I know for a fact that my children will never have to go through what I went through. I want them to live a happy life and not have to grow up to fast because it is painful. My husband will always be there for my children, so they will always have a stable mother and father relationship.

In my family, I have one half-sister as a sibling. As I said before she never lived with me, so when we were younger we were closer. We would spend the summers at each other’s house, and then we started to grow up and grow apart, and now she is married and has two kids. I was always treated as the baby because I was the last born and since my sister didn't live with us, I was treated like the only child, and spoiled and loved more than my sister. (From my point of view at least). I know that my sister would have a completely different view of our family because of her spot in our family and our age difference, and she didn't have to experience all the things I had to with my mom going to jail and all.

As I said earlier in my paper, my mom was twenty-one when she had me, and my dad was twenty-two. I know that they were not ready to be parents. That’s why they kind of gave my sister away because my mom was not able or ready to take care of another life other than her own. My mom had no morals or anything that she tried to drill into my head. Since she was a drinker, all she cared about most of the time was herself and what she did. Not too much about me. The only issue my mother and I had about parenting is when I got older and I realized she was choosing alcohol over me, and that hurt my feelings. I told her it’s not right and if she doesn’t stop drinking that I would cut her out of my life completely. I feel as if-then when I told her that, she started to hide her drinking more than having it out in the open. The rest of my family agrees with me that if she didn't stop drinking we wouldn't have a family anymore, so now I know she is ashamed of her alcoholism.

In my family with my mom, we never had family meals because she worked from 3 to eleven pm. So as soon as I would get home from school, she would be leaving for work and I would be in bed by the time she got off of work and by the time she would get home I would be sleeping. I had a journal and I would write down a lot of my feelings. Also, my church friends are like a family to me. They have always been there for me, and I was always able to tell them anything and everything, and they would comfort me and give me good advice. I found out about sexuality and relationships on my own. Learned through my relationships and health classes.

The beginning of my paper lists every kind of major crisis I went through. Drinking and substance abuse and power issues are a huge part of my family and my mom’s life. Her alcoholism has made me know I never want to be like her, so I learned from her mistakes.

My whole life, up until about two years I was struggling with forgiving my mom for treating me the way she did my whole life. Putting me second after alcohol and after the man in her life. I have been also struggling with forgiving her boyfriend Justin for almost killing my mom. I've been able to forgive and forget almost completely with God's help and forgiveness.

I know that I am the way I am because of my mother’s poor decisions. If she didn't make me see what alcohol does to a person and a family, I would probably be out in the world partying like every other college girl. I learned from my church family that it's not right to sleep around or do any worldly things. My mother has made me who I am, a great influential person, who wants to change the world, because of her terrible choices. I know that I will someday when I have children, be a stay at home mom, or maybe work part-time when I have kids because I always want to be there for them, and make sure they know that I wouldn't choose anything else over them and that I love them so much.

My family of origin I am mostly still in contact if you mean my older family members. My great-grandma and grandpa on my mom’s side are still alive and I talk to them on the phone once in a while. Great-grandma will send me brownies to school and write me birthday cards. I don't know anyone else really on my dad’s side of the family, except my pop-pop who I see almost 2 or 3 times a month since he lives close to Kutztown.

I know you don't like it when I cry

There's been no pain greater than missing my mom. 

All I can think about is how I am never going to see her smile again. I will never hear her laugh, or feel her hug. I wont ever see her do her silly impersonations of chubby, and I'll never eat her delicious cooking. My mom will never meet my children. She won't be at my wedding. I won't ever hold her hand again. The last time I did that, she was dying. I held my moms hand as she took her last breath. That's an image that will never leave my brain. The sounds that I will never forget as she gasped for air. I don't think I've processed it all yet. I don't know how. I need my mom to teach me so many more things. I have so many more stories to tell her.

Every song sad I hear, I see my mom. I see her smile, but it's not a feeling of joy. It's a feeling of sadness. I've never felt anything like this before, and I feel so alone. I know my friends don't understand. They don't know how to be there for me. Life just continues on for everyone, but I still feel frozen in time. When I think about mom, it doesn't feel real. I feel like I can just pick up the phone and call her, cry to her, laugh with her, and share with her. But when I think about how that will never happen again, I break down. No one understands it. No one gets it.

My mom wasn't always the best mom. But she was my mom. and now she's gone. and no one can ever take that place, and no one can understand the exact way that I'm feeling. I feel stuck. Lost. Confused. Forgotten. Alone. No mom. No dad. People were there for me when it first happened, but here I am 5 months later and the pain is the worst it's been, but people have moved on. Some days- I don't know how I function, and how I get through. These words might not make sense, I'm gonna sound repetitive, and this might be scrambled, but this is all coming out, as I am sobbing, can't see the keyboard, my nose is running, and my thoughts are all over the place.

I try not to cry... Everyone says it's okay... I know you don't like it when I cry....You never wanted me to be sad...I try, but it hurts.

How can this be real life? It can't be real. It just can't be. She was my mom. My one and only mom. This can't be real.

It happened in a blink

Break-ups are weird. To the people who are reading this, and have experienced a break-up, know exactly what I'm talking about, and those of you who haven't, I pray you never feel this type of pain.

The longer you are with someone, the more they become a part of your life (obviously). You meet someone, and then you spend valuable time getting to know them. You share your dreams, your fears, your insecurities, and your hard past. You begin to like them more and more. You hang out with them, and so the memories start. It's almost like you don't remember what life was like before them. You look forward to seeing them and talking to them. You have a jar that sits on your dresser or maybe a box that's under your bed, filled with movie ticket stubs from all the movies you've seen together, baseball game tickets from your first baseball game together (of both of your favorite teams rivaling each other.) You have tickets to the aquarium, or pictures from your first date...It's all in there.

When you date, you don't just date just to be with someone, you date someone because you want to spend the rest of your life with this person. As time passes, you both begin to discuss things like what your children's names will be, you meet each others families, and attend special events together. You talk more seriously about moving closer to one another, and what life will be like when that happens. 

He's calls you beautiful even when your hair is a mess and you have no makeup on. He participates in activities that he thinks are crazy, but you love to do, so he stands alongside you, and does them. He's kind, humble, loves God, and loves you. Yes. He loves you. 

Reality begins to set in, stress becomes overwhelming, and it seems like loving has become more of a task rather than a privilege. And before you know it, it happens. It ends. A break up. In one day, in one little minute, in a mere blink, someone goes from being your best friend, to a stranger. It ends in tears and broken hearts. You hope and pray that something will change their mind, but it's too late for saving or changing of minds. Your whole world turns upside down. All you can think about is the memories that you have, and how all of it means nothing now. You take down all the pictures and throw away all the tangible memories. As you stand over the last photo taken of the two of you, you began to break down and cry. Not only remembering the past that you've spent together, but also the loss of a future that you had planned together. You weep until you cant breathe. Not only have you lost a piece of your life, but you've also lost a second family that had adopted you as their own.  The only thing you want to do is sleep. Forget it all.... You crawl into bed hoping to wake up and this all be a dream. 

You toss and turn, you have nightmares, you can't sleep, and the nightmares become real. The next day you wake up and you don't want to move, because you know once you do, your life without them has become real, and it's something you don't want to face. You lie in you bed until the very last minute. You don't have a text from them like you used to, you don't even know if they still care. When you do make your way out of the bed that was making everything feel safe, you stand up, alone. You don't feel motivated to do anything, not even eat (which is something you love to do). As you make your way through the day, things spring up that remind you of them. Their favorite hot sauce that you bought for them, that sits in your cupboard and they never even got to use. Or the coat they bought you, and now you feel guilty wearing it. People ask how you're doing, and if you're okay, in all honesty, the answer is, no. No...You're not okay. You're broken and lost someone who you were supposed to spend your life with. Someone you were supposed to continue to grow with, and love them longer, much longer.... 

I know God has something bigger and better in store, it's just impossible for me to comprehend right now. But, something I've learned in the past 24 hours is how much people truly care about me. I've received endless phone calls, texts, and snapchats encouraging me, and reminding me that everything is going to be okay. Even from people I never expected to care that much about me, do. I believe that it's okay that I am broken hearted right now. In Ecclesiastes 3:1-8, It says there is a time to plant and time to uproot, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to tear and a time to mend. I'm in a time of mourning. I'm in a time of losing a man that I loved. He isn't my best friend anymore, he's more like a stranger, and the more time goes on, the less I am going to know about him, and how he is doing, and who he is turning out to be. I know I will miss his smile, the way he worshipped God, praying together, having inside jokes, and most importantly just who he was as a person and his passions and desires to love people and Christ. 

I know Jesus is by my side through it all... He will make all things work together for my good. Romans 5:3-5 says: Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Thank you Jesus for that Hope. I pray, and ask others to pray with me, that I will see that hope sooner than later. And for my little heart to be mended as fast as it was broken. In a blink.

1-19-2016

After your season of suffering, God in all His grace will restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you. 
1 Peter 5:10

A Letter To My Mom

Dear Mom,

              I am scared. Scared to death of the future and what's going to happen. Growing up I saw things I should of never seen. When I was 8 years old, I was picking up beer cans after your parties with Doug. When I was 9, I was put into foster care because I had an abusive step-father, who,  I witnessed him putting you in a headlock. I would visit you a few times a month in the Reading courthouse and we would play games like jenga, battleship, and othello (yes I remember these games). I looked forward to seeing you when I could, and I certainly couldn't wait to come home for good. I finally did come home to you after a long wait in foster care. 8^th grade was the first time I experienced you going to jail. It was my first Christmas without you and it was terrible. For years after that you were in and out of jail. I remember going to Lebanon County Prison and seeing you through the inch thick glass and having to talk to you on the dirty telephone. Not being able to touch you, or hug you. When you were not in prison, I dealt with many things as well. One night when I was in high school I woke up to banging on the wall. I open up the bathroom door only to see you being held up against the wall as your boyfriend was choking you. That day I missed school and went to the hospital with you. You had two black eyes and bruises all over. That's how bad he beat you. Do you remember that? I do, like it was yesterday. Most nights I would be awoken by you trampling up the stairs, at 3 am, drunk. I would try my hardest to fall back asleep but all I could hear would be you, stumbling around and fighting with your boyfriend. I've seen you lose friends, family, and people you care about deeply. I've seen you mourn and I've seen your tears. I know you drink to release the pain. To forget about life and the problems you have to deal with. I know you might think no one would care if you died, but I would. And I hope that matters for something.

           Hypothetical- It's my wedding day. It's a joyous day, but then I look over to see the white chair with the rose sitting on it. That was supposed to be your seat. But you didn't make it to that day.... I'm finally having children of my own. They are old enough now, and begin asking questions about their family. They ask about their grandma Kimmy, and I have to explain to my children that my mom passed away before they were born....

          I am terrified that this is what's happening. You are giving your life away to the alcohol that you consume and you are losing your friends and family over it. I love you more than anything in this world, mommy. My heart breaks for you. I want you to know that I am who I am, because of you. When I was 16, I looked at you and thought, “I never want to make those choices.” So I did everything the opposite of you. Growing up I've been broken, torn down, and lost in a puddle of tears from your choices. I made a decision that I never wanted my children to experience the things I had to, or feel the way I did. I stuck close to my church family, surrounded myself with people who cared about me, trusted in God, went to college, graduated with a degree, and got a job serving others.

               I know you think you can just live your life with no consequences, but that's not true. I love you enough to want to put a stop to your addictive nature. I am losing my mom. Day by day, you become further and further away from me. The drinking, going to jail, not having a job or a house....are going to catch up to you mom, and I am scared. You need to get help. I want to help you. Your whole family wants to help you. But we cannot force you to do anything. It's come to the point where I am standing up for myself and my future family, and saying that unless you get help, there are going to be consequences. These choices you're making could potentially be the death of you, physically, and emotionally.

              

               I want you to know that the pain you’re feeling doesn’t have to be… You know, I’ve experienced a lot too in my life, but I chose to do something with my pain, other than try to drown my feelings. See, I’ve found this hope and love in Jesus, and I know that he is the one who created me for a purpose. He created you for a purpose too. He loves you and he cries when you cry. He hurts when you hurt. He wants to see you thrive. He wants to see you happy again. He died on the cross to take our burden. We can turn to him at any moment. We don’t have to sit here and “wait” to “get right”, no. He is sitting there, waiting, knocking, wanting you to love him fully and give yourself, your issues, your past, and your future over to him. Nothing you’ve done can make him love you any less. He will take your sin and forget it. It says in Psalms “He has removed our sins as far from us as the east is from the west.” When you’re hurting, when you feel empty, lonely, or are searching for something more, He’s right there waiting with open arms. The only reason I am where I am, is because of Jesus and his love, grace and mercy. I’ve messed up, I’ve been depressed, but when I was suffering, I told myself, “It’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay..” and I put my trust in him. ALL THINGS work together for the good of those who love him, Romans 8:28. The agony you’ve experienced in life, all has a purpose. But you’ve gotta let God work the miracles that he does. He will take your dirt and turn it into something beautiful. Just like he did in my life. People are always surprised that I’ve turned out the way I have after all I’ve been through, but the only reason for me being the way I am, is because of Him. He turned my sorrow into joy. My pain into love. My bitterness into forgiveness. And He can and will do the same for you, if you let him. You are not worthless. God does not make worthless things. You were never created to live depressed, defeated, guilty, condemned, ashamed or unworthy. You were created to be victorious.

            

           We've shared so many memories, and so many laughs. I remember the times when you were sober, and how nice it felt to have my mom. I want more times like that. I want to enjoy my mom’s company and laugh with her again. I want to beat you at more Easter egg hunts, and set the fire alarm off. I want to help you cook at holidays and play guesstures. I want you to be at my wedding and see you cry when I'm walking down the aisle. I want you to meet your grandchildren and be a part of their lives....I want you to be a part of my life. But the decision now is up to you. Stop living in denial, and start living your life, for yourself, for your family... for Jesus.

I love you mommy, lots and lots and lots... and very very much. 

Love ALWAYS and FOREVER, your baby girl, 

Amanda Leah.  

Three C's of life.

You can sit around and complain about your life, or you can go out and do something about it. Too often have I met the person that mopes around complaint about how bored they are or how hungry they are or how they have no friends, etc. I am guilty. Too often in this life, have I realized that people look at what they don't have more than what they do have. I don't like to be thankful just when November comes around. I remember to be thankful everyday, because unlike a lot of people today, God woke me up from my slumber. 

Many people are born into devastation with very little food, and money. Yet somehow, they are happy with what they have. It's not what you have that makes you happy, it's what you think about. You might not have any friends to hang out with today, but at least you have people who do care about you. You might "not have food" when in reality, there are families out there, making mud pies to fill their children's bellies. 

I've met a lot of people who rather complain and not doing anything, than get up and DO something about it. That's the key about life. DOING something. Life isn't going to stop for you. Life isn't going to feel bad for you because you sat in your room all day on the computer. The silly thing is, is that YOU have the choice to change your life. YOU have the choice to try again. YOU have the choice to DO something. The 3 C's of life: choices, chances and changes...You must make a choice to take a chance or your life will never change. I am so tired of excuses. As my friend Holly has said, "Excuses are like butt holes, everyone has one and they all stink." Every excuse stinks. If you want change, make it happen. If you want friends, make it happen. If you want to go to college, make it happen. If you want to quit smoking, make it happen. There it is, the key. MAKE IT HAPPEN. YOU. MAKE. IT. HAPPEN. I can not stress this enough. There are opportunities all around you. Get out of bed. Go outside, open the newspaper, find a job you LOVE. QUIT what you hate. It's your life. and even though you don't realize it, you only have one. This moment right now, that you're reading this, is NEVER going to happen again. That moment is gone. I know you and I can think about regrets in our lives, but that's the past. It doesn't matter where you have been or what you've done. It's about what you're doing and what you're going to do. you you you. 

Someone young, and very close to my mom just passed away. I attended the funeral along her side to be her rock. After all the tears and  endless snotty rags, she gave me one piece of advice, "don't take anyone for granted". She's right. Don't take anyone, or anything for granted. Life could be gone way before you think it's your time. If you KNEW you were going to die, would you be proud with what you've accomplished? What do you wish you would've done? Who do you wish you would've loved more? What's stopping you now? Your life is up to YOU and your CHOICES. I don't want to get to the end of my life and find that I just lived the length of it. I want to have lived the width of it as well.

Stop making excuses that you're not smart enough.

Study harder. 

Stop making excuses that you're addicted or stressed.

Quit.

Stop making excuses that you're lonely.

Get involved. 

Stop making excuses that you're not being treated right.

Leave him. 

Stop making excuses. 

The 3 C's of life: You must make a CHOICE to take a CHANCE or your life will never CHANGE.

Take this rehab house and make it new

This week I've been on alternative spring break and we have been rehabbing a house for Habitat for Humanity.

I have been knocking down dry wall, sweeping like crazy, ripping down wallpaper, pulling up tiles, pulling down ceilings, and pushing over cement cinderblock walls. This afternoon I was sweeping and it hit me. WE are just like a house. One day we are built. With the intentions of someone living inside of us. Lived in, left dirty, and then moved out of. And no one wants to move into us.

This house that we've been working on was built by habitat for humanity in 1997, and a family moved in there, and over the years, lived there happily, and then something happened and they moved out. They left some stuff there, and after they left, homeless people and people who look for ways to get extra money, broke into this house and stole things like copper piping (which is very expensive), and wires (they would start where an outlet is, and rip it out of the wall, and ruin the wall). We came there and the house was a disaster. It's like someone really went in there and just threw stuff around, made marks on the walls and carpet, and we were the ones left to clean it up.

What habitat does with this rehab house is try to  take it from the way it is, and make it look almost new for a partner family to move into. The first steps are getting the junk out and cleaning it from top to bottom, so they can rebuild.

I was sweeping this afternoon, and it dawned on me. WE are just like a house. One day, when we are born, and we are so brand new and fresh. Eventually someone or something comes and lives inside of us. It can either keep us like new, or it can destroy us. We will do many things which will tear up our insides, possibly physically, but definitely emotionally. We are so full of trash and junk, with all the things that we've let inside of us. We look at ourselves and think there is no way that I can be cleaned out. No way anyone would wanna work on you and help you get clean. That's where you're wrong. There is always someone out there who cares. Because I am one of those people. The other person is Jesus. This house that we are rehabbing, no matter what the condition, the habitat for humanity people will care about this house and take the time and effort to clean out this house and make it like new. That's exactly what Jesus does. He made you for HIM to live IN you. But in most cases, that's not what happens. We let other people, idols, garbage, live in his house. It becomes dirty. DISGUSTINGLY dirty. But Jesus is willing, no matter how bad the shape, to come in and clean up. He wants you to come as you are. Trust in him, give your life to him, and he will make you brand new.

Psalm 51:7-15 (The Message) says:

 Soak me in your laundry and I'll come out clean, scrub me and I'll have a snow-white life. Tune me in to foot-tapping songs, set these once-broken bones to dancing. Don't look too close for blemishes, give me a clean bill of health. God, make a fresh start in me, shape a Genesis week from the chaos of my life. Don't throw me out with the trash, or fail to breathe holiness in me. Bring me back from gray exile, put a fresh wind in my sails! Give me a job teaching rebels your ways so the lost can find their way home. Commute my death sentence, God, my salvation God, and I'll sing anthems to your life-giving ways. Unbutton my lips, dear God; I'll let loose with your praise.

 Jesus is waiting there with a broom, waiting to clean up your mess. He wants to knock down your walls and take care of you....make you new. All you've gotta do is let him.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! ~2 Corinthians 5:17

Spring Break 2012 Cleveland, OH

So this spring break is like no others that I've taken. 

This year, I took a trip with the Kutztown University Community Outreach Center on an Alternative Spring Break trip. I am currently sitting in The Nehemiah Mission House. It's so nice to be staying in a place that believes :) Their slogan is, "Send me to the city"... what could be more perfect? There are scriptures on the bathroom walls!!  We are building a house for Habitat for Humanity here in Cleveland.

I left on this trip not knowing anyone, and now I've met all kinds of new friends :) There are 11 of us on this trip, fitting in 2 rental vans from enterprise. Our drive was supposed to take about 7 hours, but it took so much longer because we left late, and we stopped only about 100 times. ("Mom I gotta peeee!") We ate a lot of snacks, and after many turns and tolls, we finally arrived in the middle of the ghetto in Cleveland, Ohio. We are SO CLOSE to Lake Erie (One of the REAL great lakes, Lauren Stump & Angelique Harris). Tomorrow we have a free day, which means it's time to explore Cleveland!! As of right now the only thing on our list is the Cleveland Zoo. I am SO PUMPED! They have giraffes!! (and polar bears, and tigers, and wolves.. I'm excited can you tell?) Monday we start our work on the site. An exciting task we have this week is to take pictures of Avalanche (our bobble head mascot) with fun things that we come across. Here is just a taste :

Avalanche Phone Home

18 Wheelers are my friends

I'll be trying to update this blog everyday, so check back for my daily endeavors!


Day 2

My first trip to the zoo!

Hey, so I don't have a bunch of time to update the blog tonight because it's getting late, but let me just say this. WE WENT TO THE ZOO TODAY. We all had so much fun, no matter what our favorite animal was. I am enjoying my time so much, getting to know all these great awesome people. Tomorrow we start our project! Gotta be outta the mission house by 9 am. (oh goodness) But we will be painting tomorrow so I will be prepared to get messy.

Today we got a special delivery from a group of middle schoolers who wanted to help out with the project, but you need to be at least 14 years of age to work on the project site, so they asked what they could do, and you know what they came up with? They made us a HUGE BOX of goodies. Crunch bars, chips, peanut butter, gummy bears, homemade cookies and brownies, Pringles, granola bars, muffins, and much more. We were so blessed to have these children do this for us. We will also be gaining so much weight after this trip.
For dinner we went to a chinese buffet. It was DELICIOUS. I had a bunch of crab legs and I must say that was my favorite.

Here are some pictures from todays adventures :)

As I took this picture, He said, "Come at me Bro"

GIRAFFE

disgusting to even look at

My favorite animals were the monkeys, we were friends!

I refuse.

I've been struggling. My dream, is to go to Guatemala and help people, who are less fortunate.... But when you've become so comfortable (and happy) in your life, when you have things and people around you that you love, you have this feeling of never wanting to leave. I don't want to leave. I want to help children, I want to get married, I want to have my own children and start a family. Have a house, decorate it. I want to have pets and love them unconditionally. I want to grow old with the love of my life. I've been placed in peoples lives for many reasons over the years, and I've seen the results of my words, or actions, or whatever, in their lives. When someone comes into your life, and you know they're there for a reason, you don't want to just walk out on them. I refuse to let down the ones I love.

I've been torn up, ripped apart, broken down, and thrown away, more times than I can remember. I am quite tired of it. I just want to be happy. Life gets hard at times. But I refuse to give up. I refuse to let my happiness cease me. Positive thoughts bring about happy consequences. Giving up just shows the people around you that you are weak, and I refuse to be weak. I refuse to let anyone else steal my joy that Jesus has given me. I want to share it with others. When I care about someone or something, you will surely know. What makes me happy? Making others happy. And I am doing that quite fine right here. What do you when you come to a rock and a hard place? You smile. And trust God. Because something that I've learned, is he surely will take care of it. and YOU. He has taken care of me for 21 years and will continue to do so. I've been through a whole hell of a lot, but that doesn't mean that God doesn't love me. He was/is molding me, shaping me. I wouldn't be me, without what I've been through. So I know that everything that is bound to happen in my life, God has his hand over it, protecting me. I refuse to let anyone tell me I am 'too happy' or 'post about God too much', because I know what I believe in, and it takes more faith to not believe than it does to believe. I refuse to hear someone say that God doesn't exist.

I am happy. I am loved. I am excited for my future. I am who I am. I will try everyday to be the best person that I can be. I refuse to give up. And I refuse to let anyone take that away from me.

Now repeat after me.

I am happy. I am loved. I am excited for my future. I am who I am. I will try everyday to be the best person that I can be. I refuse to give up. And I refuse to let anyone take that away from me......

Print this out. Hang it up by your mirror, and remember... God has a bigger plan for your life than you could ever imagine. Dont let anyone take that away from you. Especially the devil. Because he will do anything and everything he can to bring you down.

"It's gonna be worth it all"

I'm surrounded by hundreds of people everyday, but I feel alone.
Alone - [uh-lohn] adjective-separate, apart, or isolated from others.

That is my life. I feel like I have no one left. As the months and years pass by, people disappear from my life. Last summer was my second summer working at Blue Mountain Christian Retreat. I spent much more time at the mountain this year than I did the first summer I worked there. This summer was more rough for me because, since I spent more time there, my co-workers got to know me better, and I guess they didn't like what they saw. We had a meeting and there were words exchanged, and all in all, it ended in tears and un-resolution. At that moment, I felt like I had lost a few really good friends, right there in that moment. And I had. I wish I could go back and change my actions and words, but I have to deal with the consequences. 


As most of you know, I'll be graduating from Kutztown in May. Since I was a freshman in college, 3 and a half years ago, I had this awesome crazy girl get put into my room with me. When she first moved in, I really didn't like her. Eventually, we had to put up with each other, and sharing a tiny room 97% of the time, we started to have some pretty deep conversations about life, love, and God. I brought up the idea to her about going to Guatemala with my church on a missions trip. She told me she would love to do that. That's when we started to connect. We were together all the time, and there was rarely a time that you would find us apart. Stacie and I have lived together every year since then. 
Last semester, was one of the biggest changes for me in my life. Stacie stopped attending Kutztown. Over Christmas break, I helped her move her stuff out of her bedroom. 
Not only with her leaving, last semester I had so many good friends graduate. 
I know that we all need to experience change in our lives, but I never knew it would be this hard. I am all alone at Kutztown. As much as people are going to tell me I'm not alone, and that they're my friend, words are useless unless actions back them up. I have NO close friends at Kutztown anymore. People I know, and acquaintances. 
I feel like my family is falling apart. Everyone's growing up, going through their teenage stages, or their mid-life crises. What am I supposed to do?


yes of course I have people who care a whole lot for me, but that doesn't mean they can physically be there for me when I need someone to hug or cry to. Actually, I rarely have anyone who could be there for me in a moments notice, if I needed that type of affection. 

Recently my good friend Hannah, that I worked with at Blue Mt., had left a video on my wall. Feeling this emotion of emptiness and loneliness, I watched her video, and somehow she had all the right words to say. She told me that people are going to let me down, and situations are going to be hard, but to not let my heart become hard, and let God keep it tender. Sometimes this is difficult for me, because I am such a people person, and feeling alone is one of my worst fears, and here I am right now, experiencing it. 
I know I am here to change the world. And the words that keep sticking out to me are, "Don't let the world change your smile, let your smile change the world."


I also want to give a special shout out to the certain people in my life who DO make me feel special, care about me, visit me, ask me how I am, and who love me for who I am. I love you all <3 


I've gotta stick this out. Times are changing, but God has everything planned out, and his plans are not to harm me, but for a bright and prosperous future. "It's gonna be worth it all"