“Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don’t belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don’t know what it’s like
When nothing feels all right
You don’t know what it’s like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you’re down
To feel like you’ve been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one’s there to save you
No you don’t know what it’s like
Welcome to my life”
Have you ever come to that point in your life where nothing in life is worth living for?
That’s where I feel I am right now.
I feel so misunderstood, lied to, ripped up inside, left behind, betrayed. Not by one person, not just in the past two years of my life, but in the past 18 years of my life.
No one understands where I am coming from, where I have been. I wish they did. Life is so hard.
My mom is in jail, for the I dont even know what time. She has hurt me so bad in my life. The worst anyone has ever hurt me, yet she is the person that I love the most. How is that possible? Forgiveness I suppose. There is a bond between a mother and a daughter that can not be explained. Every time she gets out of jail, I hope for things to be different, but they never are. She just keeps hurting me. But I love her so much. I really don’t know why.Moving from home to home has been extremely hard on me, because I become close to people, then i dont live with them anymore, and its so hard to keep in touch. Never having a stable home life has really taken a strain on me. I want my own room. My own place to put things. I am sick of other people in the house stealing my things when I am not home. Not feeling comfortable even after living there for awhile. Not only must I deal with my mom, and the hell she has put me through, and missing her, but I have to deal with not having a stable father figure in my life. I sure wish I did. I know everyone says Jesus/God is our father, and I know he is, but he is not my earthly father, and I wish i had someone to fill that spot. I want a daddy. I want to be called his little princess, and be able to joke around and go to the basketball courts, shot some hoops, play catch in the backyard. All the good things a dad brings to the table. Also I miss my sister. Who is married, and has two children. She never got to do the things she wanted to in life like go to art school, and how so badly do i wish that i could help her achieve that, but I know that her children and her husband are now standing the way of my relationship with my sissy. I wish we would still talk, I wish she was still my sissy. but now she is all grown up.
There’s my friends. The ones at home, that I have known since I was 8 and I would never ever want to do anything to hurt our friendship, even though I have, and I wish i could take it all back. Trying to keep in contact with the ones that have moved away.. I feel as if those relationships are crumbling everyday that passes. I wish I still fit in the way I used to. Now I feel somewhat used and pushed aside. I have my friends at Kutztown, who I just met, and I love dearly. They may not be the best influences, but they have never pressured me to do anything that I didn’t want to. And i respect them for that. There has been the past two years of my life that I dedicated to someone that I fell in love with, and now decided that I must not be the one, and has told me to “move on, and forget about him”. It’s really not all that easy.
I hate being misunderstood, because that’s where rash decisions come in.I feel like friends at church havent gotten time to know the “Amanda that has grown up a bit and went to college” I have changed, but not for the worse. I just wish people would take the time to get to know me, rather than blowing me off, and saying things about me that they don’t even know.
The only thing that keeps me going is my will power. i want to show the world that I am better than all the hell that I have been through. It’s so hard though, because I always want to be the girl who can make someone elses day bright, even though mine isn’t. I think I paint a smile on everyday, when really I want to wake up and cry. Being stressed with school, activities, and not having a job/money, makes me not want to go through the day. Sometimes people tell me that I am stupid or dumb, and even though its hard to admit it, i will live up to those expectations. I will believe those people, and look like a fool.
I have done things in the past that I really regret, and I wish I could take back. I actually wish I could have back the last two years of my life, and live them differently.I shouldve lived up to my own expectations, and not someone elses, because now I dont know who I am. I wish I would’ve listened to all my friends, and adults who were telling me to stop.
But its too late now. And that’s what is killing me. The memories. The pictures. The moments.
Tell me one more time to “move on, and forget about me”, and I will try harder.
I wish you took the time to know me. Took the time to see what was really going on in my life, and the things I have went through. The things that I have been trying to adapt to, because college is so much more different than little baby high school life. Take the time to maybe take off your shoes for a second. put mine on, and walk a little bit, before you said the irreversible things that you did.
Crying so much you cant see, puking because you are so upset, having a headache because you dont know what to think, and trying to move on, yet still having those memories of everything we’ve shard… isn’t easy.
I’m sorry it’s over. I’m sorry you didnt take time to get to know me. I’m sorry you didn’t want to because of what you saw on “facebook” because it’s SOO “legit” and tells the truth about everything in a certain person. I’m sorry I’m not everything that you want, but I am me. Take it or leave it.
I wish everyone could just see that my life isn’t easy. I dont want this to be a pitty letter. I dont want people feeling bad for me. I just want people to know where I am coming from. Take a walk in my shoes. please, i ask you. before you judge.
But remember. Not only does LOVE make the world go round, but so does forgiveness.
-alw 4/5/09
“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
“Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit.”
“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
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