Appealing

Here I am- my junior year in college. And what have I done? I feel like nothing. I have failed to change anyones life. I have failed to bring anyone to Christ. I have failed to be a positive influence. Instead I have affected people negatively. Sometimes I wonder when my time will come.. when will i actually be able to make a difference and see it? When will people look at me and think of me as the girl that is different, but not weird different. The awesome different. I want to be the role model. I want to be brave and strong in this world full of darkness. I want to shine like a light. This past year the darkness has just been closing in on me, and I don’t know why. It’s been really depressing, and I feel like I have lost everyone. I want to fit in with my friends, but at the same time I want to stand out, and I want people to look at me as an amazing person who can over come anything and who makes the right decisions in life, and I want them to be more like me. Not more like me… More like Jesus. Am I pushing things? Am I trying to hard? Am I being a fake? I just want to be real. I want people to see a real person who makes real mistakes but lives for a real God who forgives. I also have to remember that my self worth should not be determined by other people. I am beautiful inside and out, and God loves me no matter what- but in this world where we are all seeking acceptance from others, I can’t help but notice what other people think about me.I am struggling with life. I miss the days when things were easy. I miss the days in G.O. when I had my friends there for me no matter what- and now these people who I used to call my best friends are miles and miles away- some- on the other side of the states. I miss them and the connection we used to have. I miss the laughs and cries we used to share. I miss my mom. I am struggling so hard with leading her to Christ. I don’t even know where to start, how to keep up, and if I will ever finish that task. I want to bash my head into a wall- because I am not getting anywhere. I thought my requests were simple. To make a difference in this world and I cant even do that.
I don’t want to be judgmental. I don’t want to be rude. I don’t want to be selfish. I just want to love. I want to show love through everything I do.I don’t want to be looked as the weird girl on campus, the one who doesn’t party, or smoke. I want to be looked up to. As something different in a good way. I want , I want , I want.
I look back at another note I wrote called “Epoch” which means “a period of time in history or a person’s life, typically one marked by notable events or particular characteristics”. I want this year, I want right now to be an epoch for me. I want something to change which means “make or become different”. I want to become different.
So many people walk around Kutztown campus dead. Dead on the inside searching for things to fill up there hearts, when really things like sex and alcohol are just temporary fillers, which make you feel like crap in the morning. I need more understanding as to why people want that junk in their lives. I am just so astonished as to how or why people want that crap in their lives. I will never understand, but at the same time I need to not judge and love them just as Jesus does.
“People mess up,forget things, make wrong decisions, lose best friends, and wish they could return to that place and time when everything is okay. When in reality, you can not turn time around.You can only live day by day,and accept the things that have happened in your life, and make redeeming actions in reply.Take those experiences and turn them into something meaningful.Make a change in this world for the better.”-Amanda Wright
All I’m asking, is for people to see me as beautifully different, and not freakish different.